March 28, 2015 FREEDOM

March 28, 2015

Saturday, 7:38 PM

It seems I have reinstated my own being into the life of, at least, one of my children.  Having recently relapsed (I now have three months, 15 days clean) I had removed me from my grandchildren and children.  Some of the removal has been necessary in order for me to learn to love me, to not be willing to do ANYTHING to allow me to be in their lives and to forgive myself for a past of hatred and self-loathing.  I HAD to KNOW WITHIN KNOWING that I am worth forgiving; I HAD to KNOW WITHIN KNOWING that I am lovable even without offering financial possessions; I HAD to KNOW WITHIN KNOWING that there is a future for me...clean...sober...full of love and happiness...NO MATTER WHO OR WHAT WAS/IS IN MY WORLD OF EXISTENCE.

Since Thursday, I have been babysitting for my middle son and his significant other.  Two days, I had my other grandson (age 4) here with us and all seemed perfect in the universe.  There are many blessings in these past few days.  Even today, upon finding out about a good friend's death, I was able to look into the eyes of my year old granddaughter and feel love, acceptance, TRUST.  No desire to use overwhelmed me nor does it now as I sit typing these words.

Some challenges arose during the day.  There are some challenges I can not, will not share publicly.  Yet, the challenges are real; they are painful; they could destroy a life IF I allow it to.  I will NOT be the person of yesteryear.  Flashing back to childhood is no longer a part of what I can allow.  Overwhelming, disabling anxiety is only given opportunity when I allow me to focus on all which once haunted me.  Should I wish to continue reliving the trauma(s) which haunted me from the age of 18 months to the year 2011, I could continue living in insanity.  I choose, today...this very moment...to look at each situation as it arises.  

There is a popular saying:

it is what it is

(I add)

it is what it is

but it isn't what it wasn't

and it wasn't what it is

and I thank God above

that

what it is 

isn't what it was

and what it was

isn't what it is

Today, I choose the life I choose.  Free of drugs and insanity, I CHOOSE TO LIVE FREE